No Go Cookie Swap

Literally laughing to myself, let's just say the cookie swap idea has been scratched. Since I had a whopping zero, zilch, nada, nine, cero reponses to it, we'll just put it in the file 13, how abouts?

Hope everyone has a HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I am most thankful for my salvation for without it nothing else matters anyway.

Enjoy all the yummy goodness of the foods served around your tables but enjoy the people more. People matter. Family matters. Friends matter. I'm thankful for each and everyone of the people in my life.

Working always toward progress not perfection,

Cookie Exchange Party

This time of year is the best for baking special treats and tasting all the little goodies that co-workers and neighbors make. Sooo...I wanted to host a cookie exchange. Is anyone up for it? Depending on how many people choose to participate, I will figure out how many dozens of cookies you need to make. If we get a lot of participants together, then we can group people in threes or fours and then you make three or four dozen cookies and send one dozen to each of your "cookie teammates". Anyone game? If so, just leave me a comment with your email address and let me know that you'd like to participate. Please feel free to invite others over to my blog and have them participate too! I'm of the rule that the more the merrier!

Speaking of rules, here's a couple of rules for the exchange:

• Please do not allow small little hands to help make the cookies that you'll be exchanging
• Please send your cookies in tightly sealed containers/storage bags so they are fresh upon arrival to your cookie exchange partners
• If you have allergies, please say so in your comment back to me - we don't want any incidents!
• Be creative and have fun!

I hope that we can get some gals together and let's get this party started!

The Next Step

Sitting here after just watching the introductory video of my newest study by Beth Moore, Stepping Up, I just realized something. My heart has been pulled to this study as I was closing my study of Esther (also by Beth Moore). I couldn't really say why necessarily, but the other night read sort of the overview on Lifeway's website. It resonated. After watching the video tonight, ending in tears, I recalled some words that I wrote on this blog I guess a week or so ago...I'm ready to move on. Those words are exactly what this new study is about. Stepping up and moving on.

Do you ever feel that itch inside to have different, be different, do different? I surely do. Life moves on sometimes at an all to rapid pace and then again it doesn't. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow. There are times I just wonder where I'm going. How about you? You ever feel that way?

I'm adventurous and always looking for the next adventure in life. I used to be afraid; used to be terrified of where life was going and what would come next. Not anymore. I've been in the pits of emotional hell before, so no where could take me to a worse place than that. Challenges are welcomed, although I am weary sometimes, I look forward to making it through those challenges. Giving up is not an option.

I hope no matter where you are in life, no matter how difficult your circumstances seem, that you'll remember there is a God that wants to go with you. Wherever the path leads, God wants you to invite Him along for the journey. Granted, those who believe in Him have Him with you always, but let's let Him be an active participant in the journey. Let's let Him be the leader not just the tag-a-long. God wants to lead us to a place of peace and joy and fulfilled purpose.

I'm ready for the journey. I'm ready to take the next step.

God is in Control

God is in control. God is in control. God is in control. God is in control. God is in control. God is in control. God is in control.

I'm stressing. I'm a little panicky. I'm trying to remember...

Heavy

This blog is my place to come and record things that I feel pressing on my heart that need to be shared with others. I don't know what else to do with myself while I'm on this particular journey of wanting to be a mother, living life as a wife, and being a woman/friend/daughter all at the same time. So, I come and write; I come to share. This is my offering, my giving up pieces of my heart in hopes that it reaches someone else where they are at whatever place of neediness they might be. I want to be used by God and at this point in my life I feel He's using me by just simply writing. Thank you for those that read. It humbles me and blesses me all at the same time that you would even care what I have to say.

Today I don't feel as if there is much to say in the way of significance. Rather, I feel very heavy and burdened down. Life seems to be in the same holding pattern that I've known almost my whole adult life. You ever feel like just moving on? Well, I feel like moving on. I'm ready. I'm tired. To be quite truthful, I'm tired of this journey. Tired of the struggle. I want to be a mother. I just cry out in my spirit, "Lord, I don't understand this! Why is this taking so long?" Nine years - nine long years.

My heart is heavy and I'm feeling weary. The only thing I know to do is just keep remembering scripture, remembering His promises to me, remembering the character of my God, trying all the way to lay it at His feet and to rest in the shadow of the Most High God. Lord, I cast my cares upon You. Help my heavy heart, Jesus. Help me. Help the others. We need You.

Dearest Baby

Dearest Baby,

The first thing that I want you to know is how much your daddy & I are in love with you. We have never met you and don't know when exactly you'll be ours, but you are already with us in our hearts. We absolutely cannot wait to meet you. To look at your sweet face, tiny hands, tiny feet and to hold you in our arms seems like the best dream imaginable coming true. What will you be like? What will you look like? Who will you grow to become? These are things that I ponder continually.

We are preparing for you even as I type this message to you. You are an intricate part of our lives even today! We have longed for you for years and cannot wait to kiss your sweet cheeks and nibble at your toes. Daddy loves to give zurberts, so I'm warning you now that your little tummy will be grounds for a few of these! Some people call them raspberries but your daddy loves to make up new words and so thus he came up with zurbert. He's very silly. You are going to live in a house with two silly people that love to laugh and have a good time! One day I know you'll be rolling your eyes at us going, "oh, Mama...stop embarrassing me!" haha!

Sweet, precious child, God is making a way for you to be apart of our family. I am blessed beyond words that the Creator of the Universe has designed you especially for us and us for you. He knows what you'll be like and when you'll be here. He has chosen us as your parents and I am forever grateful! I cannot promise you that life will be easy and I cannot promise it will be without some bruises along the way, but I can promise that as long as we have breath in us you will be loved and cared for.

Until we meet...

Mama

Daily Inspiration

If you are like me, you want a daily dose of inspiration however you can get it. David Jeremiah has little devotionals called "Today's Turning Point" that can be emailed to you. I have linked it up so that if you'd like to have these sent to your email inbox, you can easily do so.

Today's scripture just really touched my heart. Ecclesiastes 11:5 says, "Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb,[a] so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things." It's so true - the wind boggles the mind doesn't it? Where does it come from and where does it go? What propels it? I'm sure there are many a scientific reason, but it's interesting to ponder. Also, a baby growing inside of a woman - doesn't that seem like the most strange thing ever for a human to be inside of another human? The design of protection in the womb and the rapid nature of development for all our intricate systems is truly mind boggling to me!

Even more than these things, what I kept repeating over and over from this verse are the words "understand the activity of God, who does all things". God is never still. He does everything. He is continually active! On your behalf and on my behalf, the Father of all creation is going about planning, preparing, making a way, moving, and directing all of our plans. That is some mighty powerful stuff if you can wrap your mind around it. Thank Heaven even when He seems silent, we can be assured that He is never still.

Bad News Bears

We got bad news in regards to our future fertility treatments yesterday and I'm so disappointed. We're back to the drawing board. Any prayers would be appreciated.

What Faith Can Do

Growing up in a very musical family, music stirs my soul almost like nothing else can. There is a song that I listen to almost daily. It speaks to me in a way that makes me close my eyes and bask in my appreciation for my Savior. I hope the lyrics stir your soul and speak something to your heart today no matter where you are in this journey called life.

What Faith Can Do by Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

If you would like to hear this beautiful song, I got it off iTunes.

Happy Halloween!

Well, it's so hard to believe that another year has almost past. Funny how when you are struggling with infertility every holiday marks a missed opportunity that you dream to share with your child. I think things like:

Valentine's Day - when will I get to send those cute little valentines to all my child's classmates?
Easter - oh how I wish I was preparing a little Easter basket full of goodies and going on egg hunts
Memorial Day & July 4th - wouldn't it be fun to do sparklers and go to the parades? I'd love to see the joy on my kids face with them waving sparklers in the air
Halloween - putting my little munchkin in some cute getup and just watching them trick-or-treat, how much fun is that?! Their daddy will be in heaven trick-or-treating alongside them!
Thanksgiving - bringing them to see all their family and having their family just go crazy over how they've grown
Christmas - watching their eyes light up with excitement and in turn watching my parents and Mr's parents just enjoy seeing their grandbabies play

My heart longs for this so badly! Will I be putting a sweet baby in a little cow suit or a bumble bee costume next year? Today is another day to dream and hope...

What are your plans for this Halloween?

Against Nature

Referring to my previous post on perfectionism, there was a phrase that has been nagging at me for a little while now - my nature. What does that mean exactly? What really is my nature? At the risk of being maybe a little too honest, sometimes it looks like this:

• wishing I was the "golden child" at work and not the other person
• wanting to hold a grudge against someone that has been less than lovely towards me
• seeing a pregnant person and sometimes thinking - why her and not me?
• after a fuss with Mr, just wanting to ignore him and not apologize for what I was responsible for in the disagreement
• wishing I had my "dream job" rather than the one I'm blessed enough to have now

Can you relate? Be honest with yourself. Do you have thoughts inside of you that you are glad no one else can see because if they could, then they would see how ugly you can be sometimes? I'm not pleased that these things cross my mind and heart. I'm less than flattering many a time.

However --- aren't you glad for howevers?

However, I know that I'm far less than perfect. I know that my Jesus is still working on me. He hasn't even neared completion with this project called me. The Holy Spirit is alive within me and speaks to my heart, points out these things, and then I have the free will within me to decide to act on it or not. Praise God for chances to choose differently!

So what will you do with "your nature"? I'm going to continue doing a good job no matter that I'm not the "golden child". I'm going to be kind and practice humility with that unkind person. I'm going to praise the Heavenly Father for that lady that has the miracle of new life growing within her because He makes plans for each of us and has the timing in order. I'm going to apologize to Mr. and take responsibility for my actions in our relationship. I'm going to lift my voice in praise that the Savior has given me my job and watches over our finances. It's not always easy to do these things, but the rewards make it all worthwhile. I hope you'll look at "your nature" and make good choices.

Just remember, it's not about being perfect, but it's about making progress. Be blessed!

The P Word

It's amazing how over the years, our thoughts and perceptions of ideas we'd had for many years can and do change. What am I speaking of right now exactly? Perfectionism. I hate this word. This word has almost become as despised a word to me as the word pornography. I hate that word too. Yes, hate is a strong word, and I can say that I hate that word.

Perfectionism has become the thorn in my side. That nagging feeling of self-defeat comes along with it. Things will never be perfect. Life will never be perfect. The human longing to have more simply destroys the achievement that perfection can provide. Once we attain whatever our "perfect" situation might be - what are we left with? You think you finally have the perfect car - well, then the manufacturers create newer models, so then what? You think that you finally live in the perfect home - the neighborhood changes and goes downhill, then what? You think that you have the children that you so long for that will make your life complete - they grow up, then what? You get that job that you feel will put you at the top of your career path - economy changes, companies shift focus, then what?

You see, perfection is unattainable. It's simple. I have gotten to the point where to chase perfection is like being the lab rat on the wheel. You keep trying, but you never can get to the desired destination. Thus you end up exhausted and defeated in the end.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I've felt defeated before. There comes a time in life when you just have to say enough is enough. Face the facts that your nature might be to strive after perfection, but what do you really get in the end? My nature has pushed me towards perfection my whole life. I'm ready to turn in my membership card to the Perfectionist Club and not just turn it in, but turn it over. Turn it over to the One Perfection that is true in my life - my Lord. Until the day of His return, I will never be perfect. He will complete that part of me and I'm so thankful that I can rest and relax in the trust that I have in my Savior.

Progress not Perfection. It's all He asks.

Oh Boo!

You Have Been BOO'd!

The air is cool, the season is fall,

Soon Halloween will come to all.

Ghosts and goblins, spooks galore...

Tricky witches at your door.

The spooks are after things to do,

In fact, a spook brought this "BOO" to you.

The excitement comes when friends like you,

Copy this note and make it two.

We'll all have smiles on our faces,

When we see who Boo'd who's places.

I was Boo'd by The Undomesticated Wife

The following 4 ladies have been officially BOO'd...

Katie @ Katie's Keepers - Katie's trust in the Lord is so encouraging to me!

Carrie @ Buzzings of a Queen Bee - Carrie has the most adorable home and I love to see her projects

Alyeshia @ Let It Shine - This girl is a hard worker! No amount of details escapes her!

Leslie @ It Takes A Village - Leslie is a sister in the struggle!

This BOO party was started by The Tattered Cottage. Please keep the fun going by following these instructions. ***ETA: Looks like Tattered Cottage is private, so you can skip the linking step**

1. You have 24 hours to work your spell

2. Copy and post the Halloween Boo Poem with the instructions for playing.

3. Pick 4 blogs you enjoying visiting and tell why you enjoy visiting them, with a link to their blog and remember to link back to me.

4. Go to the original BOO Party post at the Tattered Cottage and add your MckLinky.

5. Let's see how fast and far this spreads between now and Halloween.

Communication

Ah, this little five syllable word. How the lack of it can stir up such emotions and the overabundance of it can cause such aggravation. It is so necessary in life, but there are such appropriate ways, places, and times.

I have been struggling with communication issues wtih someone in a certain situation. There have been times when because of the environment, I have not been able to respond to this person because it would be inappropriate. I've thought to myself, "Remember your testimony. Remember to take the higher road. Don't let them get to you. Life is so much more important than this person...." I tell you. I have sincerely struggled spiritually and mentally. My sleep has been affected as I'll lay there awake in our bed just thinking over and over about things - stewing really.

Fear of being prideful or haughty or affecting my witness kept me from something: standing up in this situation. It needed to be settled. I needed peace again in my life and the only way I could get it was to address it. Prayer helped me last night and I truly believe was with me this morning as the issues were addressed. More than anything I wanted to keep my composure and be appropriate for the situation. Even if nothing changes with the other person, there was change - it happened in me because I took and put back a boundary that needed to be there. The enemy kept taunting me with my testimony and how it's "just pride" that's getting you upset. Not true. We aren't here to be doormats and it's healthy to have boundaries.

Whew. I feel better.

Blind Befriending

Saturday night I did something that I never thought I'd do: met up with strangers that I met off the internet. Blind befriending, if you will. Similar to blind dating, only it's not dating. Seriously, though, there is a website that I go to for people in the "surrogate community" - people that need surrogates and people that are surrogates. Meet (L to R): Becca, myself, Tanya, Bethany, and Amy.

These are very sweet women. Can you imagine putting your life on-hold and having so much love in your heart that you are willing to help someone else achieve their dream? Someone being a surrogate is a concept that I'm becoming more and more passionate about with each passing day. What was even more special to me about these ladies was that they were in it for the right reasons. Not to make a "quick buck", afterall the journey usually last well over a year (or more). They care to the point of not drinking their beloved Dr. Pepper because the caffeine isn't good for the baby. They care to the point that when something with the pregnancy doesn't go just right they are sad for the baby's mother, they cry with the mother. They care to the point of being worried after the baby is born and is having problems with reflux. They care enough to be willing to be away from their own family and small children for several days because of medical treatments for the parents-to-be. They care.

I cannot believe I have been so blessed to not only have my sweet cousin A be a part of my life, but I'm blessed to be making friends with these new women. Surrogacy is such a gift that I can only hope to give A a small portion of what she is giving me simply by loving us enough to do this for us. It leaves me without words because I can't form a true enough expression to say what it means to me.

Leaving dinner on Saturday night, I just felt a joy simply for knowing there were such good people, good women in the world. It was a good night.

p.s. yes, I dyed my hair red and I actually kinda like it!
p.p.s. I know it's Halloween and all, but why does my face look so white like I've seen a ghost? Uh, Mrs. Estee Lauder, can we talk?!? It looks normal in person...atleast I think it does...