The Time is Set

Sorry that I neglected to come back on Saturday and tell you all how things were going. Well, things are PERFECT! Today, A and I went to the RE's office to have a lining check for her. Things are so great! We also got an update from our egg donor that there are about 20 - oh my goodness - eggies growing. Tonight she does what's called her trigger shot to mature the eggs and then her egg retrieval is set for Wednesday! I can't believe the day is coming THIS WEEK! My most favorite thing of all is that we'll be transferring the embryos on Sunday, Valentine's Day. That couldn't be any more appropriate because even though I don't know who these little embryos may become, they are my heart. Thank you for all of your prayers. Continue to pray for us. The next rollercoaster begins as we wait for the results to see if it worked or not.

Hanging in there and happy as a lark...

Eggie Check - Part Dos

Looks like we have 10 eggs growing! Our RE says that there may be a few more that he can't see because they are hiding behind the others so far. Next check up is tomorrow morning!

Thanks for the prayers!

Eggie Update

Our donor went in for her aspiration as I said in my previous post and thankfully everything went just as planned. Our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) said that we were okay to move forward with the awareness in mind that we probably won't get a large amount of eggs. We decided to still go forward with things and on Friday she started her stim meds to grow the eggs. Yesterday was the first ultrasound for follicle (aka egg) monitoring and to our amazement the RE reported to us that she was growing eggs on BOTH ovaries! Praise God. He said that we had a "generous amount" of eggs growing but that it was a little too soon to know exactly how many. She goes back tomorrow for another ultrasound to check again and another on Saturday morning. We are hopeful. I am encouraged beyond measure by the results of yesterday's ultrasound. Woo hoo! If things continue to go as well, we're looking at egg retrieval around the 8th or the 10th. Our surrogate would then have the embryos implanted as early as the 11th and as late as the 15th. It will all depend on how they do in the lab. So, may God be praised! Your prayers are so appreciated! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Donor Update

Our egg donor went in today and her cyst had grown. The doctor aspirated it and our final decision was to go ahead with the stimulation meds to help her grow egg follicles. We'll be working off of one ovary and hoping to get a good number of follicles. He will monitor her every other day for the next week. This will be a good indication of whether we should cancel this cycle or keep on. My prayers are still that she will get the right number of follicles that we need off that ovary and we won't have to cancel. Again, your prayers are soooo appreciated and truly treasured.

Love to you all. Our God is a big God.

Prayers Needed!

To those of you that are prayer warriors: our egg donor had an ultrasound today to check her suppression and it was discovered that she had a small cyst. Please pray that the medicine we have her on will enable the cyst to absorb back into her body so that we can begin stim meds this week. Worst case scenario will call for us to scrap this cycle and we don't want that to happen! I'm also praying specifically that we get the exact number of embryos that we'll be using so we don't have to make any tough decisions on what to do with our remaining embryos. Your encouragement and comments are so appreciated right now! Your prayers are coveted!

Love to you all.

Sharing

With great apologies, I haven't been on my blog in several days, so there has been a bit of time between posts. I do want to share with you that we are going into another IVF cycle starting stim meds this Friday to grow those eggies! We are hoping for a Valentine's Day transfer. If you haven't ever had to delve into the horrible world of infertility this all is probably greek to you. Bottom line is that this time next month we should know if we (our surrogate) is pregnant or not! Hard to believe that we are here again, but man, I am so ready! Your prayers are coveted as we go along this journey. This journey has me scared to death. There is a lot on the line this time and we know that our chances are coming to an end. It feels a little like we've gone into sudden death overtime and are desperately trying to win.

Shamed as I am to admit, I have been more of a worry wart over the past week. Anxiety has been in overdrive, headaches are more often than ever, and I just could sleep for days as my mind is so tired. I'm sure many of you have experienced anxiety of some sort in your days and can relate to what I'm saying.

This blog was created to be a journal of my life, a chronicle of my struggles in efforts to encourage others along the way. There have been several that have posted that I have written something that encouraged them and PRAISE GOD that I have. I want to be a woman to glorify God through all her struggles and when you give me these compliments what it does is affirm that God is using me for His kingdom! It is humbling and I am so thankful to read your comments. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

Worry Wart or Worry Warrior?

What are you? Which category do you find that you naturally fall into? My honest answer: I'm a wart. My mind plays situations over and over, tormenting me minute by minute, and tells me that things look bleak. In my natural self, the self that tries to do things without God's power, I am a wreck inside! Throw in a good dose of dealing with infertility, weight issues, and not-so-perfect days at work - boy, what a mess.

My pastor recently did some lessons on worry. He asked the question that I posed to you. It revealed to me my sin of unbelief. Do I just believe IN God or do I believe God? Do I believe He is who He says that He is? Do I believe He has the power that is told to us in the scriptures? Do I believe that His character is good and that He truly loves me unconditionally? The answer is yes to all of these things! HOWEVER, I was not acting out my belief. I was acting out of a sin of unbelief. I was worrying as if God just might forget about my life; He might forget that I need a miracle right now with our infertility treatments. What a lie of the enemy!

From the beginning of time, the Heavenly Father knew that right here and now in 2010, my Mr and I would be going through the route of surrogacy to have a child. He knew that we would have almost absolutely no control over the outcome. He knew that it would scare us to death. What a treasure to know that nothing goes overlooked by God! What an encouragement to know that my God loves me and watches over me as if I'm the only one here. Wow. It blows my mind.

Trusting is an action word. It requires active participation to accomplish. Throughout my day today there were many moments that I had to pray in my spirit and turn my worries over. I choose to be a warrior. I choose to trust my Savior!

I hope that if you feel your worries start to overtake you that you would just immediately turn it over to Christ, immediately lay it at His feet. He cares for you! He wants to carry the load for you. He is worthy of our trust and more than that - He is worthy of our praise. Warriors, march on! Warts, be gone!

Dormancy

You are probably wondering what in the world that title means? Well, I don't know about you, but I do not like to be still; I do not like periods of dormancy in my life. I want to constantly be moving forward, propelled into the next season of moving on. Dormancy isn't comfortable. Having a period of life where you sit and wait isn't on my list of most favorite things. But, I got a word today from a message taught by my pastor's wife that just really spoke life into me.

She is a mom that homeschools their children. They did a science project with a seed recently where they buried the bean and waited for it to sprout. What she said that grabbed my attention was that the seed didn't sprout immediately - it took time. There was a period that it remained dormant and what was happening couldn't be seen each day. It didn't mean that there wasn't activity, but rather there was a stage in which the seed had to remain underground doing what needed to be done in order to grow. Dormancy is essential for fruitfulness.

Let me repeat that - dormancy is essential for fruitfulness. I don't know about you, but I need to know that the times in my life where nothing seems to be happening, nothing seems to be moving forward, never have I felt farther from reaching my dreams - that God is working my dormancy out. God has my dormancy as part of the plan. John 12:24 says, "...unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain."

When our dreams of motherhood, or insert your life dream here, doesn't seem to be happening, friends, learn with me that there is fruitfulness after dormancy. There is coming that day that your dream will be realized. There is that day that God will allow that dream to be manifested into a reality. It seems like such a long, drawn out period, but in the end in such a beautiful bounty!

I needed this today. I hope wherever you are that this speaks life into you. That it might be used to encourage you through your flat spots, through the waiting, through the pain. God is in control and He never allows us to be in a dormant time, a period of waiting, a season of pain without His infinite wisdom and eternal plan in mind.

You are loved. You are treasured.

Trusting God

Another monkey wrench was thrown into the mix of plans for our infertility treatments. There are details that I want to share with you all but I simply cannot. What hit me this morning in my quiet time was that through each of these bumps in the road - God is calling to me. Sunny, look at Me! Sunny, I want you to trust Me! Sunny, 'cast your cares upon Me, for I care for you'! Sunny, I'm in charge and you don't have to do this; I've already mapped out this plan! So, again, I humbly bow before my Savior and turn over the reins of control. It's so much easier to just rest in Him, but my humanity drives me to want to control.

Lord, thank you for loving us. Thank you for being gracious to us. Thank you for constantly using life to call me to You. You love me. You love each one reading this blog. Father, I lift them to You today; You know each need, each stress, each care. May they cast them on You, for You care for them too. Thank you for true freedom, Father. The freedom to be human, make our mistakes, crawl back to You, yet You continue to love us all the way. Thank You for YOU!

A Whole New Year

It's so hard to believe that it is 2010. I will never forget getting my very first driver's license and the renewal date was 2000. There was this feeling, like holy cow, I will never be twenty-two years old - that's fooooreeeeever away, you know? Needless to say, that license has come and gone and be renewed yet again! I'm going to be thirty-three years old this year, can remember when my mom was my age, and suddenly I'm realizing that from where I'm sitting maybe someone in their thirties is not so old after all! But really my point, is that for the first time in many, many years I have started off 2010 with a hopeful heart. It's a whole new year and a whole lot to look forward to!

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Merry Christmas!

We've had a wonderful, cold Christmas day here in Birmingham. Opening gifts by the fireplace and thinking of what next year will bring, my mother-in-law put a Bambi Goldenbook in my stocking and said it's for the hopes of next year. Lord willing, we'll have atleast one new family member that will be sitting in his or her bouncy seat next year this time. It won't be long before we'll know!

I hope each of you have enjoyed the blessing that is Christmas. Love on your family and soak in the sounds, smells, and hugs from each person that you have the pleasure of visiting with.

The first Christmas we were given the gift of Jesus. That is, the gift of hope. May your heart be filled with the hope that is in Christ!

Believe...Understand

I just had to immediately come and share something that I read in my Bible study this morning. In the journey to parenthood, the journey through life in general no matter my station, this is where I want to be in my relationship with the Father:

"I do not seek, O Lord, to penetrate they depths. I by no means think my intellect equal to them; but I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe, that I may understand."
(quote by Anselm)

Wherever you are, whatever your station in life right now, my prayer is that you believe.

If you are reading these words, dear one, you are loved. Know that you are loved.

Dear Precious One,

I'm thinking of you today. Thinking that I put the Christmas tree up this past weekend wondering if you'd be here next year this time. Will there be special ornaments for you next year? Daddy and I went to dinner last night and were talking about you. I was saying how you would be so cute all bundled up in your "My First Christmas" outfit and going to see Santa. Daddy was so funny saying that he couldn't wait for you to get here so he can have a reason again to go see Santa himself. He said he'd use you as his camo cover so no one would be wise to him wanting to see Santa all for himself. I told him that he could most certainly do that and hold you while he sits on Santa's knee. Wouldn't that be a picture?!? We laughed and thought of the joy that you will bring us.

This year I started a couple of new traditions that you were in mind when I did so. Daddy and I went to Starbucks and got us a warm, yummy drink then rode around looking at lights and listening to Christmas songs on the radio. I imagined you drinking hot cocoa one day and oo'ing and ah'ing at all the pretty colors and lights and then us singing the carols in the craziest voices we can muster! We also are going to go to the ICE event at the Gaylord Palms Resort in Orlando this weekend. They have a whole place made of ice there including an ice slide that you can slide down! It's very cold and we'll have to keep bundled, but I can't wait to show you the amazing ice carving these men & women have done! I want to go every year with you and make that part of our holiday adventures. For now, Mama is going to be silly and she'll go zooming down the slide all by herself!

I long to see you and hold you. To snuggle you to us and we just stare in awe at the blessing you are. What a treasure you are to us even now. We hope for you and I certainly pray for you. We are doing all that we can to bring you to us. Know that we love you. Know that we will watch over you and protect you with every fiber of our beings.

Hopefully, next year will be the merriest Christmas yet and you'll be here to join in!

I love you, Precious One.

Things I'm Thinking...

There are so many things running through my mind on any given day. With the holidays here, I'm trying to be "in the moment" with the beautiful things around me, but I admit it is a struggle. I was telling a sweet, precious friend the other night at Bible Study that the holidays are such a huge magnifying glass to the things that trouble me. I hate that it is this way and I know I've said it here before on my blog, so I don't want to beat a dead horse. It just is what it is.

Part of that is that Blogville with everyone showing what they've done with their homes and pictures of their children -- well, it overwhelms me! I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings that is reading this that has posted these sorts of things on their blog because it's not you, it's me. It really isn't about how beautiful your home looks or how precious your children are, it's about the frustrations that I have with my own home not being perfect (yes, that hated "p" word again!) and the emptyness of my home without children. Please don't take offense at my saying that.

Anyway, all that to say that I apologize my posts have been few and very far between lately. I'm trying to focus on making new traditions in my life to help fill in the rough spots and voids that are there. I do less comparing how inadequate I often feel to others if I just avoid looking at all that there is to see in BlogLand altogether. There just has to be plenty of space in my head for all the other nonsense that is there! The less I come to look at blogs, the better I feel. That's part of my get-through-the-holidays-2009 strategy.

Here you have true transparency in all it's ugliness. I vow to be real here and never put on pretenses. Some times it's just not so pretty.

Dear Jesus,

Thank you that you promised in Your word that You knew everything that would come about in my life and You have a purpose for me! I want to fulfill that purpose. Today, I feel helpless, frustrated, on the verge of tears, lump in my throat, but at the same time, hopeful. You give me hope and a future as promised in Jeremiah. I praise you for being my God.

Sincerely,